The Joy of Hanoi (part 1)

Trying to write about our experiences in Vietnam is like trying to describe a sunset to a blind man. A blog such as this is just a summarized diary of our experiences. Things are happening so fast it is proving to be way too much to keep up with. Rather than keep this blog in order by day or event, I have decided it best to just write paragraphs as I can, however random they may seem.

There are many things here in Vietnam that we don't understand. In fact, some things are so odd that it’s hard to even begin to guess what is happening. We have found ourselves frequently just staring, mouths gaping, unable to form a comment. Due to our ignorance, and remembering that we are in a socialist/communist country, we have been particularly nervous of breaking any rule that could land us in serious trouble. But what we have come to discover is just the opposite. There seems to be minimal interaction with the government among the people. Most people have a capitalist mindset and run their own businesses, apart from government control. Even regarding traffic enforcement, government interaction is at such a minimum that rules seem to be all but nonexistent. In fact, traffic is so out of control that street signs and traffic signals seem no more than just suggestions. On one of our tours, our taxi driver drove past our stop and then turned and drove the wrong way on a one-way street, going upstream and parting the oncoming traffic as if Moses were driving the cab. The traffic just calmly parted as if it was expected, and indeed it is.

On our first day in Hanoi we were at an intersection when the wail of sirens approached. We were at full attention, curious as to what was about to transpire. A small motorcade of about 20 motorcyclists came into view. They were uniformly dressed communist party soldiers riding in perfect formation, in two rows of ten bikes each. The front two bikes had long poles with flashing lights at the top, alerting traffic to their coming. They passed us and we watched anxiously to see what, or who, they were leading. At a certain point down the road, they made a U-turn and then passed us again on the other side, still in military formation, sirens blaring, and lights still flashing. As quickly as they appeared, they departed, fading into the distant traffic. Apparently the parade was over. Nothing else followed and traffic quickly returned to normal.  No motorcade, no government official, no anything. It was one of those moments when all we could do was stare.

Wires appear to be a national resource here. Electric wires, or telephone wires, (we can't tell exactly what they are for) are everywhere in abundance. In the United States we are used to only a few wires strung between poles, and maybe one coming from a pole to a house or other building. Here it is rare to see only a few wires on a pole. More readily seen are uncountable bundles of wires. The wires between poles are sometimes two or even more feet thick with maybe 100 or more wires in some places. Often they are so low to the ground that we had to duck to maneuver beneath them. And if that isn’t hazardous enough, many cut ends hang down, dangling for the unsuspecting tourist to accidentally grab. Sometimes the wires are piled up at the base of telephone poles, and so massive that they can cover half of the sidewalk. If anyone is missing a wire, I have a feeling I know where it is.

Translations from other languages into English often bring an unexpected smile to the American traveler. Japan is notorious for terrible and often hilarious translations. While we haven't spotted too many in Vietnam, there are still a few worth noting. There isn't a lot of English here, so when we spot a sign in English we make sure to read it. It’s no surprise that American fast food restaurants such as McDonalds and KFC would have some English signs, but I would expect them to get it right. But in the Pizza Hut near our hotel the restroom is clearly marked "Gas Room". Another curious sign was displayed in a McDonald's. It was simply black text on a red background and read "HI EVERYONE MY NAME IS HEAT TREAT, PLEASE PULL OUT ME EVERY TUESDAY, THANK YOU".

Pictures usually do a better job in conveying a message since they can transcend any language. But even images that should be universal can still be confusing. We found one such sign in a public restroom (As if there aren't bathroom oddities here anyway). This particular sign was made up of 7 

smaller panels, each meant to portray a particular bathroom do or don't. The first row was easy to decipher: sit on the potty, do not stand on the potty, throw trash in the waste basket, do not throw trash in the potty. Ok, so far it all makes sense. And two of the panels on the second row also make perfect sense: don't leave the water running after washing your hands, and no smoking. But one panel continues to confuse us. Our best guess is, no bringing your own water hose with you while washing your feet in the potty. 

In Hanoi, traffic is as abundant as flies on dung, and with no more organization. Every time we left the hotel it felt like our lives were in peril. Even walking on the sidewalk can be dangerous. Scooters, and sometimes even cars will drive on the sidewalk if it is the path of least resistance. And every open spot on the street or sidewalk makes an acceptable parking place, especially for the scooters. Walking, and even standing still requires keen observation and fast reflexes. While the sidewalks are perilous enough, trying to cross the road is like putting your last quarter in a defective video game. Traffic is thick and drivers take up every part of the road and refuse to follow the rules, and we can't count on traffic signals to stop the flow of traffic. We either join in the chaos or we never get to that Vietnamese restaurant. The first couple days it was terrifying. We walked well out of the way and waited long periods of time to find a break in traffic large enough to run across the road at full speed. Eventually we learned the secret to most street crossings by observing the locals and how they navigated the traffic. 

At the larger intersections, traffic can be coming from all four directions and never stop at all. The vehicles seem to easily weave in and out and around each other as smoothly as if it were orchestrated with the precision of a JFK control tower. The same goes for pedestrians. Rarely did we see people stopping at the curb. They just arrived at the street and walked right into traffic, magically emerging unhurt on the other side. At first this was quite perplexing, but we eventually learned that one of the secrets is consistency. Drivers watch the traffic and match the speed and direction of all the other vehicles and pedestrians. As long as no one abruptly changes direction or stops suddenly, then everyone gently adjusts and traffic flows smoothly. Should just one vehicle, or one frightened American tourist, suddenly stop or quickly change course, then all pandemonium breaks loose and someone gets hurt. At each crossing we would start chanting to ourselves “consistency, consistency, consistency” and walk forward calmly and smoothly. Occasionally we would lose focus and panic and make a run for it like a fat hen in Zambia, but we eventually found that was unnecessary.

Then we discovered the ultimate secret that helped us actually become comfortable crossing the street: The human shield. We assessed that the very best subjects to utilize were school children. They were fearless at crossings. We would stand around trying to look inconspicuous until an unsuspecting child would come by, then we would quickly cross also, with them on the side that faced the most amount of traffic. Success! We were so proud of ourselves with this discovery. Now we just have to wait and do all of our street crossing when school is out.