Naughty Potty

(more helpful hygiene hints for traveling abroad)

Last time we were in Asia we started getting used to the idea of having just a hole in the ground instead of our comfortable ‘reading’ stools that we perch on back home to do our daily business. We also got used to the idea of having a water sprayer by the toilet instead of the traditional paper we are accustomed to using. Here in Malaysia they also have a water sprayer, but these are a bit different than our previous experiences. In Thailand, for example, there was a water sprayer like the ones we often have by our kitchen sinks back home. The nozzle gives a bit of control and adjustable pressure. But in Malaysia they lose the nozzle. There is a cap on the end with holes that breaks the stream into a spray but there is no way to aim or control the stream.

The hoses are typically located on the right side of the commode attached to the back wall. The knob to turn it on is also attached at the same place. My first dilemma was trying to figure out how to turn it on and not spray down the whole room. From the seated position, its quite a twist to even grab the hose from the back wall, but then the spigot can’t be turned on at the same time or there would be quite a shower. So the hose must be handed off to the left hand and placed somewhere into the bowl and then the water turned on.

The next problem is just where to insert the hose. In the bowl that is, I’m certainly not planning to insert it anywhere else. One could lean forward and let it slip down the backside, but there is just not a lot of control directing the end to the necessary target. You could also lean toward the right and let it slip down into the side of the bowl, but this uncovers a large portion of the seal that would keep water from splashing back into the room. It could optionally be inserted in the front, but for some of us there are additional parts that are already blocking the path to the posterior. The only other option was for it to be placed directly below the offending area, but then the runoff would flow back over the device and the hand holding it, and that certainly was not an attractive option.

I opted for the side route just to get the whole process started. I successfully adjusted the spigot and the water made immediate contact. The stream was powerful enough to get the standing water all stirred up and splashing all about which didn’t help the situation. Lesson one, always flush first!

I then started experimenting with the directional adjustment of the hose. As feared, when I leaned far enough to one side the water splashed back out and over the rim. I maneuvered it slowly toward the back and the stream shot right over its desired destination crashing on the back side of my male real estate. For the female, I assume the water just continues right out the bowl and onto the back of the bathroom door, but that is an experiment for a different sanitary scientist. I wasn’t exactly satisfied that what was being washed off one area was being carried downstream to another area. I adjusted the hose yet again to make its entrance from the front, but this quickly proved futile as water squirted through the cracks in the seat and out the backs and side.

By this point water was everywhere, the hose had taken on a mind of its own and started spewing every which way, and I was desperately trying to regain control. It was running out all sides beneath and over the seat, my entire underside was soaked and parts of my clothing were getting increasingly wetter. I had lost control. I had flashbacks to being a child out in the yard with a garden hose. We loved to turn it on and watch the hose whoosh back and forth like a giant snake blowing water all over us. It was great fun as a child, but presently I had lost my enthusiasm.

The passion for this experiment had long passed and I was flailing to reach and disengage the water. As the stream finally retreated I was frazzled. Water was everywhere and I was a dripping mess. I reached for the toilet paper and attempted to dry myself. The paper was a premium biodegradable product and immediately disintegrated into small particles all over my derriere creating what must have looked like an impressionist spectacle only someone like Monet would appreciate.

Knowing I was defeated by the evil stainless steel water snake, I slipped my wet clothing off and went right into the shower. I may have lost this round but I have yet to surrender the battle.